Crowns or Courage

'm sure I've spent many days of my life being afraid. I have no doubt that in my childhood, I was nervous climbing trees, trying a back flip or making eye contact. I can't speak for the person I used to be in the beginnings of life however. I don't remember her much in detail.

But I do remember my teen years. Starting in middle school, when it really started to matter if you fit in or not. It's the time in your life you realize most what class your parents are in financially. The time when what you're wearing starts to make you a target people want to shoot for or a target that's going to be aimed at. You've grown up watching all the Disney movies about Princesses and their handsome Prince and you're oddly trying to find that in your life now. Laughable I know. But relationships with boys were getting serious and the dream was finding the one who you met in school and married.

I remember that time of my life being right there on the edge of greatness! My single mother had married just a few years before and we were a two income household for the first time. I was an awkward elementary school character. The tallest girl in my class and much of my school I felt like I stood out only for that and the minimally cool clothes my mom could buy. But now in middle school, I didn't have to shop as often at Kmart for clothes and venturing into the mall, especially JCP made me feel like I could be at Princess status any day.

One day, the clothes stopped making a difference. My friends turned on me for rumors being spread and one day I was with the popular kids and the next day - there was no way I was sitting with them at lunch any more. Suddenly I was that girl back in 3rd grade when the boys made fun of my hair and I was invisible to everyone except my family and best friend. I was angry and confused and the loser I thought I'd never be again.

A few years passed and high school was a fresh start. New friends, new style, new groove and a new me. I had new faces to mingle with and since I had taken Latin at the high school during 8th grade, I already knew several people as I entered as a freshman in 9th. I was kind of cool again.

And lucky for me, even though I was quieter in general, my confidence grew. I started to like who I was and saw a really great future ahead of me. I did well in school, had lots of friends and very few people who made me feel bad about myself. But I sure didn't where the crown yet.

Fast forward many, many years and trials later. I'm a different woman at least 4 times over. I've reinvented myself to my standards and stopped carrying a torch for the Fairy Tale story. I have always been a really hard worker and a woman who doesn't mind manual labor. At summer camp one year I won the award for "Dirtiest Pig in the Mudhole". I'll never forget my paper plate trophy with a pig drawn in sharpie and colored marker rolling in the dirt. I was pretty proud of that award actually! It confirmed that I was a woman willing to literally put the work in, even if it meant getting dirty and I was no Princess.

Man! I hate/d that! Being called a princess. I let no one in my life use that word to describe me without stern correction. Don't call me a princess. My fingernails stay in poor condition, I have scars from tools and projects I've worked on and my hair is rarely ever the gorgeous drape that a princess would surely have.

But what I DO have is...Courage. Each day facing a bully in middle school. Each insult that affected me for the rest of my life. Each punch in the gut when I messed up something and the consequences have left me in full turmoil. Running through my adulthood, I've had to look fear in the face more times then I can count.

Sometimes I wasn't so courageous but on those days, there was always a sacrifice to be made and the will to see it through. There was always a chance to make two or three decisions before proceeding. There have ALWAYS been folks who give me complete opposite advice and then scathe when I don't take their suggestions and use them.

Attempts to be successful have taken courage as well. It's not easy moving a thousand miles away from everything you know and love to take a promotion. It's not easy to make job changes that impact not only you and your family, but the team you've built within your company. Learning a new type of business has taken me to a different level of bravery. Working retail my entire life and then adding direct sales to my skill set put obstacles and questions in my mind that I never dreamed. I've always been the 'retail robot'. Doing exactly what my company asked and working to grow within the guardrails. As a direct sales entrepreneur, I'm my own boss and my team looks to me as a mentor, not a manager. It was a frightening experience for a while.

nd now, I have had to find courage of my own to go on. The meaning of the Semicolon Project. The days when you need and make the world stop as much as you can because continuing is too damn tough. I had to find my source of conviction to my life and those that love me.

There's sooooo much in between the lines of this story. More than I could write in a day. But, last night it came to me that we work tirelessly as women to find our inner Princess and where that sparkling crown. We want the glory and the love story and the hair and of course - dresses! But those aren't the things that get us through life are they? They're somewhat of the icing on the cake. And they make for exciting days to look upon in reflection. But what they haven't given us is the ability to walk forward through life, even when it is devastating.

A friend of mine gave me a gift about a year ago of a Courage Key. She knew I was struggling after a personal tragedy followed quickly by a car accident that flipped my life upside down. She told me that as much as she admired me, she knew right now that this was the time I needed courage. To hold on and go on. The necklace has an old used key stamped with the word COURAGE and when it's time, I'm to give it to another who may need it to hold on to. I greatly cherish this gift more than she knows.

So moms - grandmas - friends. Start having the conversations with your young ones about their brave heart. Stop letting the fairy tale guide them, they need to know that while magic happens many times in their lives, it's usually when they've faced the most risk and the most difficult challenges with fight that they find that magic. It's not found in the dress, or the sparkling objects laid before them or even purchased by them. Even glass slippers can shatter. But going to the ball and having the dance of their life is what moves them to true happiness because they were courageous.

Peaking Out of the Box

I had an interesting conversation with a friend in Missouri last night. While she takes classes to be a Yoga instructor, she has grown in other ways in her thinking. I have been waiting for this to happen as she is a devout Christian but has to study Buddhism in her classes among many other ideals she has never been exposed to.

She even apologized to me for something I've been pretty set on for a while because although she trusted me, my heart and intelligence, she didn't really understand why I thought the way I did. We won't get into that discussion, but it's important to note why were talking about this subject.

The discussion, although brief, sparked a question inside of me that I couldn't get off my mind last night. Perhaps that's why I tossed and turned last night until 4am and woke up at 8am without being able to go back to my usual late Sunday morning snooze. And here I am writing before noon.

The question that sat with me was...

What Box Do You Put Yourself In?

Sort of to the old saying 'think outside of the box'. But more to the 'why are you living the way you do?'

About 5 years ago, I did something I never thought I would, could or should do. I joined a direct sales company. Keeping my career at a big box home improvement store where I had worked for about 15 years at that time, I decided to move into a completely unknown world of making money without going to work. I went to a party, enjoyed the product, knew I was good at public speaking and watched a stranger collect money on a couch of a living room while we drank wine. Say what?!

My brother has a saying he posted years ago and it has always stuck with me.
Leap and the Net shall appear. 

I leapt. And entered a direct sales world that no one I knew was doing. I felt like a pioneer in my family. Not sure if they scoffed (they wouldn't) or were thrilled, I was sure they'd worry a bit about how I was going to make this work with my kids in tow and 40 hours plus on my back. But I did it. And as I changed from one company to another until I found what really inspired me, I found myself poking my head outside of  my box.

This is where you come in. And my conversation with my friend. I'm going to list some questions here that are nonjudgmental or in attempts to be rude, but I'd like you to consider WHY you do these things in your life. Mainly, I'm going to guess that the answer is 'that's how I grew up' or 'that's what I was taught'. There may even be a stout 'because it is the truth and I believe it.' Ok, fine. Me too. But who are those people that succeed in life and happiness that are doing things no one taught them? Only things they sought out to learn and explore and inherit for themselves? Let's get to the questions.

1. Do you live in the same town you grew up in? Why have you never moved away?
2. Did you have the same religion as your family? If so, have you ever looked to educate yourself on other religions?
3. Do you have the career you wanted growing up? Is it really what you wanted or is it what you were told you wanted because that's what you should want and others thought you'd be great at it?
4. Can you leave the house in unconventional clothing or style and feel comfortable?
5. Do you have 2 dining rooms in your house or 2 living rooms? One formal, one for daily use?
6. Where/when did you stop dreaming? If you haven't stopped, do you actively look to gain knowledge, know-how, exposure or experience of the thing you dream of?
7. If you could wipe the slate completely clean, other than your loved ones - what would you REALLY do with your life?

Okay - whew - so that was heavy. These questions might be better pondered and jotted down on paper to really dig into them. What I think will happen is at first, you'll answer them half heartedly. Happy or content in your life, beliefs and standards you're probably going to say to yourself - it's cool. My life is good and I don't need any changes.

But here's what I think and where my concerns lie therein. Something hit me like a ton of bricks in the last few years that keeps making me ask the question "why do we do things this way and who are THEY to tell me how to do it?" I'm not talking about The Man. I'm talking about all humans since the creation of humanity that dictated piece by piece what a life lived should reflect. We do things because our parents taught us and their parents and their parents before them. We adapted to economy and technology, but few of us took the time to put up a STOP sign and rewrite history.

I have to keep asking the question why. Why are we so cookie cutter? Why am I doing this for someone else's dictation of my life? Why am I moulding myself this way and who said I had to?

Who said I had to???

(Just a sample,  Haven't actually colored yet)

Don't get me wrong, I do kind of live in a cookie jar with all the other cookies. But today, I put crazy blue eye shadow on and tomorrow my hair color is going lavender. My conventions are becoming less about what I am told I should do versus what I want to do. It's taking me 39 years to get here. I wish I had the guts to be who I wanted to be when I was 20. But I was in fear of not being accepted, not having approval and not being surrounded by people who think like my parents or teachers told me to think. I have always been the more rebellious one of my siblings. For that I can be proud (chuckle). But I wanted to know what Box you put yourself in, that you'd like to climb out of just for a little fresh air. And if the Net Shall Appear - what Leap will you take?

Summer Trip & Family Bliss

School ends early in Florida. This year it cut out before Memorial Day and our summer began straight away. My son and I didn't waist any time and hopped on a plane the day after school let out. This is the first summer I've ever been home with my kids. A working mom since forever has left me with one week vacations a couple of times a year that meant cramming in every opportunity for fun in 6 days before traveling home. 

Not this year though! I've been home for many months now after a car accident has left me with work limitations. While my son went to school, I've spent my weeks in physical therapy, doctors appointments, surgeries, recovery and pain management. This isn't important to my story, I mention only to explain how I will be home for the first time this summer as I await more procedures.

I've been trained by my parents that you don't take a vacation without leaving town. As a family, that's what we've always done. I can only remember 2 or 3 staycations that drove me mad with too many lazy days and not enough activity. This time, I would spend a few weeks up north and make the biggest adventure ever for my son and I. Lists were usually prepared for vacations, so naturally, I made one of my own in my head to get checked off and accomplished.

My list to fill two and a half weeks in Virginia was a long one. There's so much to do and see in my home state. So much that I didn't explore in my youth and as much that I just wanted my son to have the same experiences I did. I knew a couple of trips to Washington DC would be in order. There's never enough time in my favorite city. I needed to see the mountains and go hunting for water falls. Growing up, the state park with cliffs and Olympic size pools right off the beach were where some of my favorite memories were made. We were going crabbing and swimming and hiking on a day with family to join. As an entrepreneur, I would be working my business and learning from another small business owner. Facebook Live was about to get lit with The London Torres and CK4U mashing up! Two strong business women managing career and family - get outta the way!

The day after we arrived, my son went to his dad's for a scheduled visit. I went to Baltimore to spend the Memorial Holiday with my brother and his family. Each time I go up north, I tell myself I need to visit him and his kids, or for that matter - all my nieces and nephews in Maryland. I selfishly don't make the time year after year. I'm not sure why. Schedules, long drives, I don't know. But, the last year and a half has taught me nothing if it hasn't taught me that making time for family who makes time for you needs to be a priority. I communicate more with loved ones these days and miss the faces that love me unconditionally. Being here in Florida, I have little family close by. A few are here, but they're hours away. I come from a huge family on my mothers side (she's one of 12 children) and a large family on my dad's side. I suppose I've just gotten comfortable in my little part of the world and easily forget that time with loved ones can be soul fulfilling. 

My time in Maryland was a blast. My brother and sister in law caught up, played board games and laughed a lot. We propped my husband up on FaceTime at the table and he joined the shenanigans as a spectator making it that much more entertaining. After an evening of food and wine, I retired to bed without realizing I hadn't said good night.Guess I was a bit more relaxed than I expected. For Memorial Day, the house filled up quickly with my niece and nephews and their children coming for lunch. It was strange to me, seeing my young family now having a little family of their own and little ones playing around the house. They've multiplied! I suddenly felt older and younger all at the same time. I walked the property with my great niece and taught her how to pick flowers for the dinner table. If that's the only gift I ever give her, I hope she makes it a life long habit. I had so much fun snap chatting little faces in between stuffing my face with delicious dip my nephew's wife made. Man, that was a great day.

The rest of the week was slower paced. I was a bit frustrated. My to-do list was long and I thought most days needed to be filled with activity. Instead, with little sleep at night - my son and I spent our days over sleeping and days were waisted. 

At the end of the week, we were able to visit my nephew and niece who now lived in Virginia. I have also missed many events and years by their side. Looking back, I wish I had of spent the money to go to grad parties and birthday cookouts. I just figured the expense of a short trip couldn't be justified. Now I feel like kind of a a-hole. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that they doubted that I wasn't always cheering them on or loving them from afar. But seeing them at my dad's funeral in February reminded me that they were really special kids and I'm their aunt. So I need to step it up. I vowed to make more time for them and this was the perfect opportunity. Unfortunately, duty called and I didn't get to see my niece for more than a lunch together. 

My nephew on the other hand impressed the heck out of me! He has been in the Navy for about 5 years, serving on the USS Eisenhower. I knew he worked a dangerous job on the flight decks, traveling the world on his deployments. But honestly, those were just words until this trip. We were gifted with the opportunity to visit the base and see some of his daily duties first hand. He walked my son and his best friend and I through the hanger where the F18 Fighter Jets he tended to were in cleanup or repair. Putting my hands on bombs, missiles and the belly of the beasts in the air left me awe struck. We stood by the airfield near about 50 F18's and watched as pilots went through test maneuvers and other jets landed from their practice runs. Suddenly, the danger of my nephew's job was a reality and my impression of the young man he had become deeply strengthened my pride for him. My son and his best friend had stars in their eyes and left saying that they were joining the military when they grow up. All of their video games were quickly 'small potatoes' in the cool scale. 
A little air soft rifle shooting made my nephew their new hero and everyone was left really happy. They were most excited about the gift my nephew gave them. The used pin of a bomb that activates the bomb like a grenade. To two preteens, this was the coolest gift ever.

Much of our time up north was low key. My expectations of a grand adventure was redefined. I spent a lot of quality time with my family. Being surrounded by cousins at karaoke was a fun change. I don't get out much and to sit with them and laugh and tease reminded me that having someone around who thoroughly gets my sense of humor is a treasure. Of all my huge family, I can name about 6-7 people that understand what makes me double over in tears of laughter. Most of the world kind of looks at me like I'm weird or gross and says "I can't believe you just said that!" While my cousins and I can 'go there' with any topic and crack each other up. It's the greatest connection we have. 

I have a 'sister from another mister' who really is not related at all. She's my ex's brother's ex-wife, but the mom to my sons cousins. It is always a really special experience for me to watch my son with his relatives. The subtle and obvious similarities are fun to witness. Their facial expressions, sideways glances and love are something I wish we had more regularly to share. My son is so good with little ones and he probably spent more time loving on the babies and toddler than he did with his older cousins. None the less, I got to spend many hours with my sister catching up on life and children and business in a way that I had also made no time for in years. It's so awesome to me to be so naturally comfortable with folks I don't see more than a few hours a year. Our unmistakable love and bond fall right into place when we're together and the chaos of a household with 10 people made me think about what I miss here in Florida with so little family nearby. We had big plans to rock our businesses together via social media over the course of my stay. Instead we found ourselves chowing on blue crabs, braiding hair,  hiding from the hot sun under a patio umbrella and loving on children for all of my time there. 

What's funny is that in two and a half weeks away from home, my grand adventure of a vacation could be considered a bust. My trips to DC never happened. The mountains were one of our first adventures as we traveled to Graves Mountain Lodge in Syria, VA just to play in the creek and catch crayfish. But the water falls will have to wait until next time. We didn't go to the pool in Westmoreland or even in the neighborhood. The tall diving boards will be on our list next summer I suppose. My plans to see friends were a bust as schedules didn't align and we slept in the hotel room until the early afternoon too too many days. My frustrations that we weren't rockin' and rollin' this vacation were apparent the first week. 

It was only when I decided to relax and just go with the flow that I realized I was adventuring! My son and I were renting all kinds of old movies, staying up laughing and snuggling all hours of the night. He was spending time with his dad helping refurbish a truck that he could now take pride in working on a project along side of his dad. We went down to the river and watch folks fish off the dock like I did when I was a kid with my parents in the evening. We visited Fredericksburg's battlefields and took in some history that I easily overlooked when I was a kid. I ran into my best friend from middle and high school and had the pleasure of meeting some of her children for the first time. Nearly 20 years have passed since we've seen each other in person and it was a great surprise to bump in to her and her family. I visited a cousins new home and caught up on a little bit of life with him and his wife while my son spent more time with his dad. 

We ate at Wafflehouse and marveled at the order and assembly of the staff to make things run so smoothly. He likes to set at the high booths so he can see everything. We took my god daughter to the movies for some laughs and joined her for lunch in her last week of 4th grade. Meeting her friends and witnessing the madness of lunch time at elementary school was an experience all in itself. Watching my great niece be so close to walking while snuggling my charming great nephew lifted my heart. Taking photo opportunities with Mater and Lightening MacQueen while gobbling up a Guardians of the Galaxy blizzard from Dairy Queen was a nice way to wrap up our vacation. My son and I ate like paupers, buying food from the dollar tree to save money, proving that we weren't spoiled enough not to eat out every meal. I got beautiful photos of my aunt and uncle while talking to them in their home; Skyping with my mom so she could chat with her sister and compare notes on who was older than who and suffering the most in their old age. My son got to see the new home of his best friend who just moved to Virginia from Florida the same week we came up. And I have a small collection of dog pictures to add to my Instagram.

I also visited other family members. But those who could not talk to me. We buried my dad in March of this year and my daughter in October of 2015. I always clean up and decorate my daughter's gravestone when I'm in Virginia. This time, I had another family member to care for their grave. The visit to Michael's craft store to find decor was an emotional one. Crying in the aisles as I talked to my girl about what she'd want to have surrounding her during the summer months is becoming too familiar of a routine. I have two aunts, an uncle, my dad, my daughter and friend's loved ones all in this cemetery. I even had the opportunity to visit Quantico National Cemetery and pay a visit to my other dad on Memorial Day. That graveyard was beautiful on the holiday. I miss them all so much. Spending time with them on each trip is an important visit for me as I honor their memory with quiet time in their resting place.



Now I am home and in the loving arms of my hubby.  And my grand adventure turned into a great pleasure. Surrounding myself with family was more of what I didn't even know I needed than the to-do list of touristy tasks I had in my mind to accomplish. It was a different kind of vacation for me. Seeing the world is a life goal for me. I keep forgetting that my world is my loved ones. No monuments or nature can give my heart, or my son's heart, what spending solid quality time with family can do for my summer journey. 

Mom Pampering

Mother's Day has passed and we move back into the Mom Hussle. You know, the pace of everyday life that makes us earn the "Best Mom Ever" Hallmark card each May. Or, if you're a mom like me, you might instead receive a card reminding you that you're not the best mom, but rather your son is the #1 person on that day. Insert pink button pin telling the world. I digress.

So, we're back to the real world. Owning the morning like our foremothers (cough cough, yeah right). Running to a job or a home job to put some duty in to the day while we develop ourselves and our surroundings into the dream we are striving to reach. Waiting for the little ones to return from school or maybe even just that hour nap in the middle of the day. We all know that we wear a lot of hats. No matter the amount of children, the number of family members under the roof, the career we work or the friends we try to make time for - the day shifts on a dime in good and aggravating ways waiting for someone to say "Sit down and relax".

This is where I come in. Well, you come in to my story and the way I pamper myself. I don't have much. I'm not dressed to the nine's or filling my counters with beauty supplies. But I treat myself occasionally and can do it an a low cost because I was taught how to do it myself.

As I type this, I've just given myself a pedicure. I do a pretty good job. My mother teaching me at a young age how to manicure my nails and care for them was a gift. It took years of practice to get the left hand to paint as well as the right hand. The years paid off - I think I've got that down pat now. It makes me laugh when I see videos online now of people putting glue on their skin around the nail so they can peel off their mistakes. Sure wish I would have known that the last 20 years! I usually just wait until the polish is completely dry and it easily comes off my skin without chemicals.
I can't do acrylic nails. I think I'm allergic to one of the ingredients in the liquid that presets the nails. If I have the slightest open skin and that liquid touches me, I get shooting pains up my arm and I feel like I'm going to pass out. (Maybe I should find out what that allergy is. Could be life saving one day. Put that on the Mom's Gotta Do This Today List). 

I don't paint my fingernails often. I'm a pretty hands on kind of gal and find my polish chipped within 12 hours of fresh paint. But my toes are never unpolished. So today, I lathered up my little princess feet, pushed those cuticles back, filed and painted. Ahhhh, mom pampering.

That's right. I didn't leave my bed. Didn't leave my house. I'm watching some guilty pleasure TV show on E! and pampering myself. So, why is this important?

It's not really. Not in the grand scheme of things. I'm just a bit more relaxed now. I feel a little bit more attractive (because you know, a pedicure does that for a lady). And when my son gets home, I might find the energy to do something a little bit more fun after school than our normal routine. 

There's got to be something that we find to do for ourselves. The dog, the cat, the laundry, the food, the not fun shopping, the ironing, toothpaste cleaning upping and the nonstop hussle and hassle of mom hood need to come to a halt sometimes! Frankly, fitting in a trip to the salon can take many months. So, I have to do it myself. I use beard trimmers to shape my brows without plucking. I run a hot bath every now and then because I just can't seem to get that hot tub installed. And, I must say, I use my new skin care products to pamper myself each morning and evening. 

Waking up feeling well manicured, relaxed and ready to face the day helps me be a better mom. For some, none of this is hard. There's a different struggle for you. But for me, the care for my hair, skin, nails and the urge to eat better and exercise a little bit more are low on the totem pole. Just getting the opportunity to use salon quality skin care makes me feel a bit more fabulous each day. Then, I throw my wet hair up into a pony tail, pull on some yoga pants, slide into my Nike flip flops and find my loosest t-shirt to complete my chore list. But damn it, my toesies look pretty and my skin looks radiant. 

Mom pampering time if over. Now hand me my list so I can get this day going!

A Softer Side of Sunday

Yesterday I had plans to do something a bit out of my comfort zone. I had invited a couple of ladies over to the house for brunch in home to connect with them more personally. I feel a bit cooped up in the house lately and wanted some social interaction without the distractions around me that frequent restaurants and shopping. I don't often just sit in my home quietly with a friend and talk like girls talk when they're drinking coffee instead of spirits.

I loved going to the store and buying fresh flowers to sit at the dining room table. My husband, always so supportive, did his whirl wind cleaning of the first floor and when I returned, we were ready for guests. With scented melts around the house warming in strategic places, and cookie ingredients ready to bake, I dressed up a little more than I would on a Sunday. 

And then, I just sat on my lime green couch and pet my cat as she slept in the warm sun from the window. The couch is angled at the far end of the room facing the front door and formal dining area. With my piano to my right and a view of the stretch of the house, I noticed more of what our hard work had brought together.

Our windows have 2 inch faux wood blinds. The decision to not hang heavy curtains over them and just put a shear white curtain was a good one. The warm glow of the Sunday sun lit up the two rooms without over powering the space. The accents of white and grey and dark wood allowed the small colorful objects around the room to stand out more. The soft grey and white blanket over the back of the lime couch called my name to snuggle it, even though I didn't give in. 

The house was quiet. My son still asleep and my husband upstairs. My dog, Louie, and my cat Sadie made their way to my side for some of their personal 'mom' time. The two animals rarely sit with me at the same time, so I knew this environment was welcoming and calm for all three of us. 

I admired the piano keys and recognized a little dusting that needs to be done. Surrounded by important family photos, I began thinking that I just want to stay here a while. Without guests, without interruption. It was peaceful and warm and inviting and gave me a few minutes to allow myself to really enjoy the space that we've created and the comfort that little couch in the corner could bring when I didn't ignore it on my way to another room. 

The day was quite busy after that, which I enjoyed. But what I will remember is the feeling that I had in my little corner of the world and the way it made me feel during the softer side of Sunday's hustle.